Will anyone really want to read a blog that calls itself Middle Aged Confusion??
I'm actually horrified that when I chose the title, I had to acknowledge that I'm really 50 (actually 51), I'm profoundly confused, and my husband and I have adopted a poly lifestyle. How do I even begin? My mom died recently. It's been awful, once of the worst times in my life. I realized tonight that I haven't spoken with her, actually had a conversation where we interacted, since May 19th. We spoke every day. Each night as it gets later, I still think "you need to call Mom." I'm crying on and off all the time
It's sad but true that my moms passing has let me REALLY think about branching out. The problem with that is, I don't seem to know who I am anymore and I don't recognize whole parts of myself. It's not the worst thing but it isn't the easiest or the best either. I can't tell if I need to finally grow up, or if this gives me an excuse to be immature. With everything going on in my life, I feel "cut loose." I'm not sure if I like it or not. Time will tell.
My husband and I starting swinging a few years ago. It's been an interesting experience and we've actually made some great friends because of it. Who'd have predicted that? Not me! I've gone back and forth comfort wise with my sexuality for years. Some of it stems from really bad introductions to sex as a teen. A terrifying rape in my mid 20's (that's another blog post on another day). Years of allowing a relationship to continue with someone who wasn't satisfied with only me, and left me feeling inadequate. A wonderful relationship with my husband, my rock, that for some reason has just not been overly sexual for years. I don't get it. Is it me?? Is it him? Is it life? Is it the time we spent trying to get pregnant, when it was me who wanted it way more the him? The betrayal of my body because it refused to capture and create a life. How he refused to pursue the adoption I wanted to. How I YEARNED for a baby, to be a mother, to have a life to cherish that was, if not biologically created by me, was at least raised and nurtured by me. I wanted so fucking badly to raise a child with him I wanted SO FUCKING badly to be a mom. I hated myself for a long time for failing. I hated him for a long time for not giving in to my emotional needs. I always loved him, never stopped. But I hated both of us for a time. Did this kill off something? I think the problem might have been earlier then that, but I can't tell. I loved him from the moment I met him. OMG, could that man kiss. Our third date was a make out session that went on for hours. I love him more than anything. I can't live without him, even though he thinks I can. My world doesn't work without him beside me.
So, we started swinging. I learned an awful lot about myself. We had a lot of fun and I found that there was no one else I had sex with that I preferred over him. In fact, the part that turned me on the most about having sex with someone else, is that I got so turned on by HIM getting turned on watching me. Then we met "them." The couple that has changed everything. And I fell in love. I "got the feels" as I heard it put by someone else. I never knew I could love two men at the same time.
The rest of this story is for another day.
I'm actually horrified that when I chose the title, I had to acknowledge that I'm really 50 (actually 51), I'm profoundly confused, and my husband and I have adopted a poly lifestyle. How do I even begin? My mom died recently. It's been awful, once of the worst times in my life. I realized tonight that I haven't spoken with her, actually had a conversation where we interacted, since May 19th. We spoke every day. Each night as it gets later, I still think "you need to call Mom." I'm crying on and off all the time
It's sad but true that my moms passing has let me REALLY think about branching out. The problem with that is, I don't seem to know who I am anymore and I don't recognize whole parts of myself. It's not the worst thing but it isn't the easiest or the best either. I can't tell if I need to finally grow up, or if this gives me an excuse to be immature. With everything going on in my life, I feel "cut loose." I'm not sure if I like it or not. Time will tell.
My husband and I starting swinging a few years ago. It's been an interesting experience and we've actually made some great friends because of it. Who'd have predicted that? Not me! I've gone back and forth comfort wise with my sexuality for years. Some of it stems from really bad introductions to sex as a teen. A terrifying rape in my mid 20's (that's another blog post on another day). Years of allowing a relationship to continue with someone who wasn't satisfied with only me, and left me feeling inadequate. A wonderful relationship with my husband, my rock, that for some reason has just not been overly sexual for years. I don't get it. Is it me?? Is it him? Is it life? Is it the time we spent trying to get pregnant, when it was me who wanted it way more the him? The betrayal of my body because it refused to capture and create a life. How he refused to pursue the adoption I wanted to. How I YEARNED for a baby, to be a mother, to have a life to cherish that was, if not biologically created by me, was at least raised and nurtured by me. I wanted so fucking badly to raise a child with him I wanted SO FUCKING badly to be a mom. I hated myself for a long time for failing. I hated him for a long time for not giving in to my emotional needs. I always loved him, never stopped. But I hated both of us for a time. Did this kill off something? I think the problem might have been earlier then that, but I can't tell. I loved him from the moment I met him. OMG, could that man kiss. Our third date was a make out session that went on for hours. I love him more than anything. I can't live without him, even though he thinks I can. My world doesn't work without him beside me.
So, we started swinging. I learned an awful lot about myself. We had a lot of fun and I found that there was no one else I had sex with that I preferred over him. In fact, the part that turned me on the most about having sex with someone else, is that I got so turned on by HIM getting turned on watching me. Then we met "them." The couple that has changed everything. And I fell in love. I "got the feels" as I heard it put by someone else. I never knew I could love two men at the same time.
The rest of this story is for another day.
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